The reality of what lies ahead...

   We have been anxiously awaiting our prenatal consult appointment. It's coming quickly, and as it approaches my nerves and excitement are building. I keep thinking about what they will tell us, what we will find out about our future. I put so much 'weight' on these appointments, I wonder if the Dr. has any clue what this one little meeting for her means for us. I am mentally equipped with a list of questions and can hardly believe I should have answers for most, if not all of them very soon.
   The more comfortable with this entire process, and the more accepting that this is my reality that I become, the easier it is for me to talk openly about it. I have discovered so much information and support that I would not otherwise have if I wasn't open to sharing my situation. I have recently discovered other people in my province that have gone down this same road. I haven't had the opportunity to meet or talk to any of them personally yet, but have been able to hear and read about their stories.
   Surrogacy is not very common or popular at this stage in the fertility game. The laws have not been made very thoughtfully, and at every turn there is a new roadblock for hopeful, loving, anxious couples. The other day the following Facebook Note came to my attention, and I am so grateful because it really shines a light on the entire issue with the laws. I will copy and paste it below so everyone can become aware of what some couples have to go through just to build their family.

Taken from a facebook shared note.....

Mike and Averill on CJOB Monday May 6

by Averill Stephenson (Notes) on Friday, May 3, 2013 at 2:45pm

Hello Friends and Family,
As you know I was recently a gestational surrogate for my sister Lisa and Brother-In-Law Mike. My twin nephews (Kai and Keenan) were born just in time for Christmas on December 24, 2012. Both boys are doing well and Mike and Lisa along with our entire extended family are thrilled to have them home, happy, healthy, and growing like crazy! The support we have received from family and friends throughout this journey has been incredible. On behalf of Lisa, Mike, Brennan, and our families I can’t thank you enough for your thoughts, prayers, and help as we waited for, prayed for, and welcomed these miracle Christmas babies to the world.
About 2 years ago, Brennan and I offered for me to be a gestational surrogate for Lisa and Mike who had tried various fertility treatments over a period of 7+ years. Brennan and I were thrilled to be able to give Lisa and Mike the gift of biological children. Anyone who knows Lisa and Mike will agree that there are not any more deserving or people better suited for parenthood then these two.
The surrogacy process is much more complicated than just a transfer of embryos. It was over 6 months of jumping through a variety of hoops – medical testing, psychological testing/counselling, legal agreements and administrative red tape as well as medication/hormone treatments. You would think the hard part was done when the babies were born, but it seems that was the simple part of this whole process. It should be pointed out that genetically these boys are Lisa and Mike’s, I was simply the incubator. We had a surrogacy agreement, written and signed by lawyers; this was drafted and signed prior to any procedures as a requirement of the fertility clinic. Apparently, this document serves no real purpose and was a waste of time and money as it has been useless to resolving the issue (that should be a non issue) of parenthood for Kai and Keenan. The craziness started in January of this year when I received a call from the Department of Vital Statistics indicating that they couldn't register the birth of the boys because according to the Vital Stats Act, my husband must be the father of any babies that come out of me. I explained that these babies are not genetically mine or my husbands and was told that in order for the birth to be registered I would have to sign a form that indicated that Brennan was the father and then we would have to petition the court for Lisa and Mike to change the birth certificates. This meant additional fees for the amendment to the documents as well as time off from work to make multiple trips to the Vital Stats Office because no one really seemed to know how to fill out the forms correctly.
We now have birth certificates with Brennan and I listed as the parents to Kai and Keenan. Lisa and Mike are in the process of working with a family lawyer to petition the courts to change the documents. This involves costs for lawyers’ fees as well as additional time off from work for both Brennan and I to sign forms, and attend court - all for an issue that shouldn’t be an issue.
In addition the boys are currently listed under Brennan for medical benefits through Manitoba Health. Lisa has been given the run around with Employment Insurance System as her situation doesn't fit the “normal” requirements of parental leave. She has been bounced from person to person with no one able to give her clear answers or with the authority to make any changes. She is entitled to this parental leave and it shouldn't be a bunch of red tape for her to receive what she is entitled to. The boys are now 4 months old and she is not receiving any income.
Last week I discovered that I had received a direct deposit for child tax benefit for my nephews. I called the tax centre to ask that the payments be stopped and transferred to Lisa. They were unable to do this. I was told to write a letter and explain the situation and someone would be in touch. I’m sure that once the smoke clears, I will be facing an over-payment penalty with interest for money that I didn't ask to receive and that belongs to Lisa and her family.
The latest “glitch” requires us to pay for a government issued marriage certificate to prove to the courts that Brennan and I are married. When we got married (15 years ago) the church issued certificate was sufficient for us to register the marriage and for me to change my name. Now the court system (at least in Manitoba) does not recognize us as married without this paper. Apparently if we are not married anyone could be the father of the boys and we can’t sign away someone’s parental rights. So the marriage certificate will prove that the babies are Brennan’s (even though they are not) so that we can sign parental rights over to Lisa and Mike for their biological children.
Are you confused yet?! We sure are and extremely frustrated with the system. It seems every time we turn around there is another issue that takes time and money to fix.
A side note and a bit of a rant! In Canada it is illegal to receive any money to be a surrogate. You can’t pay for sperm, eggs, or the use of a uterus. It is interesting however that it is okay for the doctors, lawyers, and the government to profit from individuals who desperately want a family. We knew going into this what the medical costs would be, and of the initial legal costs to have the surrogacy agreement drafted (which was really money thrown away as it has proven to be worthless). It seems ridiculous to me that Lisa and Mike have to continue to pay for something that isn’t even an issue. We all know that Lisa and Mike are the parents to Kai and Keenan, we just want them to be officially recognized and for them to receive the benefits (parental and child tax) that they are entitled to.
In all honesty, it might have been easier for me to “give up” the babies via private adoption and have Lisa and Mike adopt them but it is ludicrous that they would have to adopt their own genetic children.
Lisa and Mike just want to be able to enjoy the children that they have waited so long for. My family and I dedicated over a year to the testing and procedures, the gestation, the birth and the recovery process. While I don’t regret a minute of it, I am ready to be done with this and move on! Something needs to be done. We have been invited to share our story on CJOB with Richard Cloutier. He is hopeful that giving us a public voice will help resolve the issue of parenthood for Kai and Keenan and be the first steps in changing the legislation and systems so that they can catch up with the technology. Our hope is that by making our story public these obstacles will be removed for other families in similar situations. I invite you to tune into the show on Monday morning (May 6) on CJOB 680 (in Winnipeg) and show your support by sending an e-mail or letter to your MP and MLA encouraging them to look into the legislation around surrogacy, reproductive technology, and parental rights in this province and country.
Thank you for your continued support.
Averill

The smallest things mean so much.

   It was an ordinary day. I woke up to the soft sounds of my morning alarm, went through my morning routine, headed to work and drank my morning coffee. I took a lunch break, and, due to my particular shift that day, I was able to pick Ryan up from work for the drive home.

   We chatted about the day, and listened to the traffic report. Our sweet dog, Winny, greeted us at home with a wagging tail and lots of wet kisses. I went to get the mail as Ryan started dinner… a very ordinary day.
   The mailbox was full, as it sometimes is. I sifted through the junk, the bills, and the all important flyers. Amongst it all was the letter we had been waiting for… I opened it and had to sit down before reading it. The words “Prenatal Consult” were no bigger than any others on the page, but they jumped out at me as though they were the only ones on the page.
   My hands were shaking as I took the letter into the kitchen to show Ryan, and waited ever so anxiously to see if his response was going to be similar to mine, or was I freaking out?
   His smile grew from ear to ear and I knew instantly that I had every reason to be excited. I started crying as I realized I was holding a piece of paper that had both my name and the words “prenatal consult” on it. It was only telling us when our appointment was going to be… that’s all it said! But it was one of the most important pieces of mail I have ever opened.
   This road is a long one for us, and that is okay because we are beginning to realize that parenthood may actually be attainable before we are even ready… if one is ever ready… but we are up for the challenge! We aren’t going to rush anything, and we know there will be unforeseen roadblocks, but knowing we are going to really get to talk to someone about this whole thing, and that this person should be able to help us, is beyond exciting!!

An Awe Inspiring Moment

   I met a man the other night, probably in his 60's, who, through some trials of his own and struggling to deal with them, found some words of solace that he chose to share with me. He said that the best advice he had read was to really truly feel each emotion to it's fullest, and deepest extent. It's so that when something really bad or frightening happens, you already know that feeling, it is familiar, and each new experience is easier to deal with. Also, that way, when you are done feeling it to it's fullest, you are then done with that emotion, and are able to move on and leave that entire experience behind you.
   I have always agreed with this. I am an emotional person and I really love being able to express myself, even when others don't seem to understand why I am so sad, or happy. It was really moving hearing this come from someone who has probably lived most of their life masking their emotions, being that he was a man, and that is what most men do. He said that he had pictured his retirement a certain way, but when life handed him a deck of cards that didn't allow for him to follow that dream, he had to reevaluate a lot of things. That made me feel really sad for him, as he seemed to be sad when he spoke about it. But in his next breath, he spoke of how he really tries to be joyous as much as he can now. He has a new appreciation for life, mostly his own I think. I could tell he was taken aback by the conversation when it first begun, that he was a little uncomfortable talking about some of the things that were coming up...but by the end of the conversation (which was only about 5 minutes long) we had hugged, and formed a bond where even if I never see him again, I will think of him often.
   Even though I get sad thinking about some of the cards my deck has in it, I wouldn't change them for the world. I am so grateful that I have the ability to acknowledge, understand and appreciate both the wonderful things, and the not so wonderful things that life has given me. I know that I have an expectation for my future, just as that man did. I have hopes and dreams and I cannot imagine what my life will be like if they do not come true. But as he said, he is more joyous now than ever before. So all I can really hope for, is that whatever cards I get next, I too, will be able to find joy and peace no matter what.

5 years strong...

   5 years ago today a young guy asked a young lady to be his girlfriend. That guy has now grown into a wonderful, loving, responsible man, and that lady is me. It's pretty crazy to think about the past 5 years, all that has happened and how far we have come. When Ryan and I met we were so young, so jaded, and so insecure within our own selves. He had been burned by love before me, as I had before him. We both came into this relationship with our guards up, thinking to ourselves that the other will fit our perfect profile, or to hell with them. I am so grateful that we both had our wits about us enough to be able to compromise at the right times, yet stand true to ourselves at the right times. We learned so much about each other in the first few years, but the best part is that we are still learning about each other. We have come to grow together, and support each other in each persons individual growth.
   Ryan has become my number one supporter, and fan. He will always let me know when I am overreacting or somehow being ridiculous though. I do the same for him. When I met Ryan, I thought I knew who I was, and to some extent, I did. But, I had lost sight of a lot of things that I hold dear, and still had a lot to learn. Over the years I have had a lot of guilt over not being as good of a friend to some, while being too good of a friend to others. Being with Ryan has helped me to really feel comfortable in my own skin, and to accept the fact that I am not perfect, but I am good enough. The best part, is that I have helped him to feel the same way about himself, which is why we're such a great match.
   I can't imagine my life without him, and I wouldn't want to take this journey with anyone else.

Do we choose her, or does she choose us?

   It breaks my heart to think of someone else carrying my baby inside of them. All kinds of worries float through my head. I worry about what they would eat, or drink, or if they would smoke, or be around others who are smoking. I worry that they would just make bad decisions, maybe thinking that since it’s not their baby, what would it matter?
   My biggest worry, however, is the bonding. I am terrified of how the baby would bond with the surrogate mom, and how the surrogate would bond with the baby… and not only that, but I also wonder how the baby will bond with me? Will it know I’m its mother? Will it think she’s its mother? So many questions, and fears, surround the world of surrogacy and I just don’t have the answers.
   But one thing has kept me calm about it all. That is that when you use a surrogate, you are able to choose who you want. If you go through an agency, it will help you to make the decision. And anyone they recommend for you will have gone through psychological evaluations as well as health checks to ensure they are not only going to be able to carry a healthy pregnancy to term, but also that they are not going to be making stupid decisions throughout. But, you don’t HAVE to choose an agency, or a surrogate through an agency.
   You can use whoever is ready and willing to surrogate for you, and although I have actually had quite a few offers, only a few are what I believe to be serious. And a couple of those are family members, whom I love dearly and would trust with my life (or my baby’s life), but because they are family, the bonding thing really freaks me out and seems to overrule other considerations.
   The other person is not family by marriage or blood but she feels like family because she has really brought me to where I am today in my life, and I already owe her a tonne. I would also trust her with my baby’s life and Ryan would too! She is adamant that she wants to do this for us, is ready, willing and able. 
   We saw my cardiologist last week regarding the referral to the fertility clinic, and he really helped us realize that this could be an easier, quicker process than we expected. He is referring us to a Dr. at the hospital instead of to the fertility clinic, and we will meet with her in a month or two.
   So here we are. We have basically chosen a surrogate. We have the information about what steps to take and what needs to happen for this baby dream to become a reality. We know what it is going to cost us, and we have a general time line that we are looking at. Many road blocks still stand in our way and we are all too aware of most of them, particularly the money issue. But, things are beginning to look up and I am more hopeful today than I have ever been that this is going to come to fruition for us.

What's next?

   A year ago my husband and I were not yet married, but were getting ready for our wedding social. For those of you reading this who are not from Manitoba, a 'social' is a fundraising event with a silent auction, drinks and dancing. Not everyone has one for their wedding, while some people have them for other reasons. Ryan and I have considered having one of these to raise money to help us pay for the costs involved with surrogacy. We aren't sure if we are going to do this, or when if we do. But it is definitely a thought and a possibility, which is exciting since our wedding social was so much fun and a huge success!
   Although I have stated many times already how not ready we are, there have been a few new developments in our little life concerning a baby. There is only one infertility clinic in all of Manitoba, and though I was confused when I first started researching surrogacy, I have realized that I am going to need their help in many ways.  To get an appointment with someone at the clinic, you must first be referred by either your family doctor, or a specialist. Once you get a referral, it generally takes 3-6 months before your very first appointment. From there, it can be a short time or a long time until a baby is created, depending on many factors individual to each family.
   I met with my family doctor to discuss this. We had a great talk, and she gave me a lot of good information. But because she doesn't know all the ins and outs about my heart condition, she recommended I get the referral from my cardiologist.
   My appointment with him is coming up soon, and I am excited....but very nervous.

Where has this blog taken me?

 
   The more open I become with my situation, the more hopeful I become that dream number 3 will become a reality one day. But in the meantime, other somewhat surprising and wonderful things are also happening that make me so happy that I started this blog.
    People have come out of the woodwork with advice, guidance, encouragement, as well as shared stories. I appreciate the group of “followers” I have developed and hope that as my story unfolds, more and more people will be encouraged to follow their own dreams, and share their own stories.
   Having faced so many “heavy” situations so often in my life, I have developed the ability to appreciate and be grateful for things that I find many people taking for granted. Not only has this blog helped me find some potential solutions to this major issue, but it has also helped me to gain confidence in really being who I am. I have always been so embarrassed by my non-filtered ways and, at times, I still am. But I am so grateful that I can be an outlet for others who find it so difficult to open up, and be real about things. In the past year, I have had more than one person tell me that I have influenced their life in a major, positive way… simply by being so open and honest, and reminding them about what truly matters in life.
   So, as it turns out, I started this blog completely selfishly, hoping to find some help, guidance or answers. I have found much of what I have needed and that is wonderful. Now this blog seems to be serving the purpose of being encouragement for others, which is fantastic and makes it all so much more worth it!
   I am so grateful. And so full of hope.