Saturday, May 14, 2016

Some Form of Acceptance

Infertility was always going to be a part of my life.
I get it now. I am one in 8.
I fought for a very long time to beat the odds and I denied it. I allowed myself to believe that it was my heart condition and nothing else that was leading us down this road. But I get it now. And it`s OK.
My Dad always told me to think about my life like a book in which I am the main character. I've never written anything that I couldn't control or erase. But I should have listened more deeply. I should have read between the lines in what he was saying. I was born with a heart condition; main character or not, I couldn't erase or control that. The story-line was written for me all along, and all I can do is edit it. I am the main character, but I am not the writer, I am the editor.
Heart condition, infertility, surrogacy, loss, hope, love; it was all there from the beginning. But I can't edit the chapters that I haven't lived yet.
I only know what has already happened. I can edit those chapters all I want, but it won't change the story-line. I can reflect and analyze, I can grieve and appreciate. But I cannot change it. And, although we cannot just write/edit the next chapters all the way to the end in any direct way or however we might like, we can see/sense where the storyline is going. If we're really tuned in, we learn to notice and appreciate what a wonderful experience having a human life really is, in all of its highs and lows. Most of all, I think our job is to figure out who that main character is, and then be true to him/her.
There is no way to know what happens next. No matter how much planning, organizing, overthinking, analyzing, researching, or worrying I do, the story will be what it will be. It is already written, I just can't read it yet.
What I can do is edit, control, how I react and how I live day to day. I believe we can only affect the storyline of our book of life if we have a clear sense of who the main character is. The rest flows from that. It's largely a matter of staying "in character" in the moment. Yesterday built that character, though it is an ongoing project, but yesterday is lost to change. We learn from it, or we tend to get lost in it. 
Infertility is a part of my story. It is the chapter I am in right now. But it is not the entire book.
As for the future, there really isn't one! There's only today. I think more than worry, planning, fretting, bargaining with God, or whatever else we might want to try in order to edit out all the unsavoury stuff in the present, or that we fear will befall us in the imaginary future, that just knowing, loving, respecting, and having faith in ourselves, as the main character, we will have a huge effect on how we experience life, no matter what it's circumstances.
There are days when I feel like I will not go on. There are days when I wonder how I have made it this far. But there are also days when I feel like I have already taken on the world and I am unstoppable. This book I am in, this life, is so precious, so wonderful, so amazingly scary.
I am grateful for my story-line. I am grateful for the chapters I have already lived. I have seen suffering and pain, and I have seen unconditional love and compassion. Although I wish the infertility chapter was over already, I am grateful for it. I wouldn't change it because I know that the rest of the story is already written and there will be beauty in it.
This is the best book I could be in, and I am excited to edit and live the rest of it. I think we choose at some point whether we're going to be a tragic figure, a hero, a victim, or whatever. And then we feed that character and, of course, what you feed grows and what you starve will die. So, I think it's crucial to just focus on being the wonderful main character you want to be in every moment and leave the rest to the universe to figure out.
If I was able to write the book myself, I probably would have excluded, changed, and added many many things. But those changes would ultimately write a completely different story. And I would be a different character. And the other people in my life would then be different. And I wouldn't recognize any of it.
There is so much love in my book. There is so much strength, resilience and compassion.
And so, I am thankful for this life, this path, this story. It will turn out OK in the end. And if it doesn't, it will be the most beautiful tragedy I could ever have been a part of.
I get it now, and it's OK.