Do we choose her, or does she choose us?

   It breaks my heart to think of someone else carrying my baby inside of them. All kinds of worries float through my head. I worry about what they would eat, or drink, or if they would smoke, or be around others who are smoking. I worry that they would just make bad decisions, maybe thinking that since it’s not their baby, what would it matter?
   My biggest worry, however, is the bonding. I am terrified of how the baby would bond with the surrogate mom, and how the surrogate would bond with the baby… and not only that, but I also wonder how the baby will bond with me? Will it know I’m its mother? Will it think she’s its mother? So many questions, and fears, surround the world of surrogacy and I just don’t have the answers.
   But one thing has kept me calm about it all. That is that when you use a surrogate, you are able to choose who you want. If you go through an agency, it will help you to make the decision. And anyone they recommend for you will have gone through psychological evaluations as well as health checks to ensure they are not only going to be able to carry a healthy pregnancy to term, but also that they are not going to be making stupid decisions throughout. But, you don’t HAVE to choose an agency, or a surrogate through an agency.
   You can use whoever is ready and willing to surrogate for you, and although I have actually had quite a few offers, only a few are what I believe to be serious. And a couple of those are family members, whom I love dearly and would trust with my life (or my baby’s life), but because they are family, the bonding thing really freaks me out and seems to overrule other considerations.
   The other person is not family by marriage or blood but she feels like family because she has really brought me to where I am today in my life, and I already owe her a tonne. I would also trust her with my baby’s life and Ryan would too! She is adamant that she wants to do this for us, is ready, willing and able. 
   We saw my cardiologist last week regarding the referral to the fertility clinic, and he really helped us realize that this could be an easier, quicker process than we expected. He is referring us to a Dr. at the hospital instead of to the fertility clinic, and we will meet with her in a month or two.
   So here we are. We have basically chosen a surrogate. We have the information about what steps to take and what needs to happen for this baby dream to become a reality. We know what it is going to cost us, and we have a general time line that we are looking at. Many road blocks still stand in our way and we are all too aware of most of them, particularly the money issue. But, things are beginning to look up and I am more hopeful today than I have ever been that this is going to come to fruition for us.