Sunday, December 30, 2012

Reality sets in, again.

   That fateful Christmas Eve was exactly three years ago. I can’t believe so much time has passed already, yet it feels as though it was yesterday.
   Anyway, I was elated that I was going to get to marry my very best friend so we planned our wedding. Ryan and I were married this past summer… and also bought our first house!
   For a number of reasons, the entire planning process was completely overwhelming. I don’t think I appreciated the help, advice, and support that I got but now that it’s all said and done, I could never have gotten through it without those people who were there for me the whole way. In retrospect, I was actually quite taken aback at just how much love and support we got. Our wedding was the greatest, most beautiful day of my life, filled with more love than I could have ever imagined. I knew people were happy for us but I really didn’t expect all the kindness that came our way. It was overwhelming in the best way possible.

   So there we were… newlyweds… loving each other and thinking that aside from all the bullshit that was beyond our control, life was great and we were happy because we had each other. But that initial euphoria faded quickly, just a few weeks after the wedding, when I began to think more and more about the fact that I had accomplished two of my three big goals. I was content in my job, feeling as successful as I could at that particular time, and was married to the man of my dreams. The only thing left was to become a mommy and, finally being married, if I were able to carry a pregnancy, we would be trying to get pregnant. In fact, I SHOULD be expecting my first baby early next year…
   However, life being the way it is, there will be no baby early next year. We are hopeful that, just maybe, one day we will be telling everyone we are having a baby, but I won’t be carrying it. And we have no idea who will. And just to create the possibility of achieving that child will cost us a little less than this new home of ours. And how much of that do we have now? Don’t even ask!

   Yes, there are less expensive options and we have discussed them all, including fostering. Ryan supports my wanting to foster but he would really like to have our child first. He is also supportive of trying to adopt but, again, he wants our own… made from us… first! And I agree. I would have 20 children and have 19 of them be adopted or fostered, but I so desperately want a baby that carries Ryan’s and my genes.
   So that leaves surrogacy, which comes with a huge price tag… and a lot of very difficult decisions!

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