Sunday, December 16, 2012

Letting it all sink in

   We left the hospital in complete shock. I remember my boyfriend asking me if I felt robbed. At first, that idea struck me as odd and I said no. But I thought about it for a long time and, as the reality of what I had been told began to sink in, I really did feel robbed.
   It took a couple of months before I really broke down and then I was angry, confused and hurt. Most of the negative energy was directed at the universe, simply for doing me wrong. I couldn’t understand why I would have had to struggle with so many different things throughout my life and then, on top of it all, have my one major dream be ripped out from under me. Why did everything always have to be so difficult?
   I fell into a rut and it was pretty brutal to be around me. I cried easily all the time… and I was already a crier! I became angry at people around me, filled with rage, and I let some friendships fall apart because I just didn’t have the energy to work on them anymore. I was done! I felt defeated, cheated, and hopeless.
   I thank the stars for my boyfriend, both of our families, and for my closest friends because they always stood behind me. I felt so bad because they had no idea what to do or say, but they always tried to be supportive.
   I started feeling an insane amount of jealousy towards other women who got pregnant, and fury toward people who seemed to take their lives, and their children, for granted. I got into arguments and really didn’t seem to care if I hurt people’s feelings along the way. I began to feel like it didn’t matter what I said to others because they should feel hurt like me. I think I just wanted other people to understand. I wanted SOMEONE to understand. But there was no one, and my heart was broken.
   As I thought more and more about the things I had been told, the pressure began to mount. I felt I needed to make some major life decisions, right away. I started some minor research into my options… surrogacy, adoption, fostering. Adoption and fostering were both things that I had always wanted to do some day, but I had always pictured myself doing that AFTER I had my own children.
   I also looked for but couldn’t find any support groups online or in my city that seemed like they would understand what my issue was. I didn’t need in-vitro fertilization, adoption wasn’t necessary and I hadn`t miscarried. But that is where all the support groups were who would understand?
   There are few surrogacy agencies in Canada. The only ones I could find expect you to pay before getting any sort of help. I wasn’t going to pay right away for two reasons. First of all, that was simply more than I could afford and, secondly, though I wanted help and support, I wasn’t actually ready to have a baby. I wanted to be married and settled down first. That had always been part of my goal or life plan.
   Again, my boyfriend was incredible! He supported me through it all. We had talked about marriage and children before but he was not ready to “settle down,” and I didn’t want to pressure him, although I am sure he felt just a little pressure at times.
   I explained to him that I felt like I needed to start THAT life NOW because I had an expiry date—just 35 years left! My mind would race through so many crazy thoughts.  IF I had kids, and when, just how old would they be when I was 60? Would they have had enough “life time” with their Mom? With an “expiry date,” would it be selfish to try to have kids at all. Would they understand when they were old enough? It wasn’t that I wanted to rush our relationship. It was just that I wasn’t satisfied with not reaching my goals—and suddenly the clock was ticking very loudly!
   Eventually, in his own time, under the fireworks of Canada Day, one of my favourite days of the year, he popped the question! I was shocked and, of course, elated. In that moment, I knew that somehow, someway, everything was going to be OK.

1 comment:

  1. I have been in a... funk,, for the most part i didnt think anyone except my best friend had read my blog. this post has inrtigued me and i look forward to reading your journey.