Sunday, November 11, 2012
I was born to spread the love.
Although I led this regular life and tried so hard to blend in, I felt I couldn't hide from what would eventually come to help define me. Yes, I was affected.
The most obvious was that I had scars all over my chest and body. When I first got the pacemaker implanted I was so ashamed of the scar. I already had scars from the open heart surgeries, and to get a new one right on my chest, well I was embarrassed (as you can imagine, I mean, I was 10). I felt as though people (mostly boys) would think my body had been mutilated. I felt the furthest from beautiful and developed a fear that no man would accept me based on the fact that my body was imperfect. My Mom always referred to them as my 'life lines', which didn't mean much to me as a child, but as I grew into an adult, I really understood what she meant. I came to accept, and eventually love and embrace all of the scars.
My personality was affected and shaped the most, both because of the health issues as well as having a sister with special needs. I was always the one to stand up for something that I believe in, and speak up when no one else would. I was and still am extremely sensitive and emotional, and I have always been very aware of the 'bigger picture'. I've always had some crazy notion that life is supposed to be filled with all things LOVE and maintain a very strong belief that everyone is equal and deserves equal love and opportunity. This belief has crept in to most conversations in one way or another, and led a lot of people to think I am a little strange and that I live in a fairyland with rainbows and stardust (unrealistic and annoyingly optimistic). I have come to embrace this quality and now feel blessed that I am able to have this outlook, but when I was younger it definitely wasn't as cool.
My softest spot however was, and always will be children. The games I played as a very young girl were either Barbies, or 'house'. As a teenager I babysat all the time, coached young children in gymnastics (and believe me, I am NO good at gymnastics), and even wanted to hang out at my friends house when her Mom had daycare kids there....my friend didn't exactly think that was such a fun idea haha. Everything I did involved children, and was motivated by my desire to become a Mommy myself.