Sunday, March 13, 2016

I was really hoping that the next time I updated this I would FINALLY be sharing good news. Every single step possible to bring that outcome was taken and my fingers were crossed. The result, however, is more disappointing news.

Not long after our miscarriage in January, we began to look toward the next transfer, the next chance at bringing this incredibly loved and wanted baby into the world. Although Ryan and I had a ton of fear, Heather had a ton of hope and confidence; we appreciated that and followed her lead. Heather and I researched even deeper into the things that we (she) could do to help this pregnancy be the one. She was willing to do whatever I asked, and she found things herself that she wanted to do to help. She was taking extra vitamins, drinking and eating things that are supposed to increase uterine lining thickness and help with implantation, went to acupuncture, and even wore 4-leaf clover socks for extra "luck" on the day of the transfer (and I had matching ones). We/she did everything; we hoped and wished.

We considered every single little symptom and we allowed ourselves to dream, just a little, about this working out. Heather took some at-home pregnancy tests during our "two week wait." A couple at the beginning were negative, but we justified those by saying it could be too early. Over the next few days they came back inconclusive… very faint lines but nothing dark enough to get us really excited. Then, the day before going in for the blood work she took another one: negative.

We knew; we all knew. I took the day off because I knew I would be a wreck waiting for the call to confirm what we already knew. I am glad I did because we were right, the blood work did confirm it. We were not pregnant. This transfer, too, failed.
It is absolutely impossible for me to describe the emotions of this journey. It is too deep, too close to our hearts to truly be understood. Just know that it is devastating.
I have carried an incredible amount of guilt on my shoulders for bringing Ryan into my messy world, for letting him love me when I knew the life I would give him wouldn't be easy. I carry guilt for bringing his family into it. I carry guilt for all the people who have helped us along the way, yet we have nothing to show for it. And now, although Heather would be in my mess anyway because she is family, I feel immensely guilty for allowing her to become so deeply involved. It breaks my heart watching her heart break along with ours.

Heather, I am so grateful for you, thankful for the love, the sisterhood and friendship you so selflessly give me, and so overwhelmingly thankful for the gift you are tying so hard to give to Ryan and me.

There are so many layers and facets to this whole thing. It is not as simple as Heather getting pregnant and carrying our baby. We have now had two losses with her. She has experienced those losses with us, even more so than our extended families and our friends because she is the one taking the hormones every day, taking the pee tests, going for blood work, putting her entire life on hold just for us to have a chance. She carried our baby in her body for weeks. She attempted to do it again, and is fully committed to trying one last time with our final embryo. Loving Heather, appreciating her, and being thankful for her are just not enough to describe how we feel about her.  

We do have one embryo left. Once last chance. It is so hard to know how to feel about it. In a way, I feel that since it's our last it just has to work. Then I feel like it can't possibly work because that would just be too convenient, too crazy, that our last one takes.

Our Dr. wants to do some things differently this time, and we won't get to meet with him about those things for almost a month, so there is some time before the next transfer will happen. I feel oddly calm about that, but it could just be that I am welcoming the break from it all for a few weeks.
Once again we cannot thank our family and friends for the love and support, and for being there for us. We would be lost without each of you. Ryan and I are so lucky to be a part of such an incredible group of people who are filled with love for us. We cannot thank Heather's family, which especially includes my brother (Heather’s husband) Andrew, and her extended family and friends for supporting her through her decision to do this, and then the path it has taken her on. We are so grateful and blessed to have her, and all of her supporters in our corner.
For anyone reading this who might be going through something similar, please know you are not alone. I don't share my story for pity, but to express my most sincere, heart-felt gratitude, and to share it so others who are walking similar paths can know that they have support in me, that I am rooting for them, and that there are people out here who understand.


  1. I really hope this all works ot this time. I applaud your strength and I think of you often. xo