A funny thing called perspective....

   Not too much is new, but it's time for an update, as it's been awhile, so here it is.
   We have all completed our initial tasks and, surprisingly, Ryan had the toughest job so far. He had to get some blood work done, which was no big deal, but he also had to get his “swimmers” tested. That was both nerve-wracking and very uncomfortable for him… so I will spare you the details, but it is done and we are now waiting for the results.
   I had to get blood work done at two different points in the month, and Diane had to get a referral from her doctor. Now, with all of these things being completed, we play the waiting game. Our appointment for Ryan’s results isn’t until mid-April, which is when I assume we will get my results from the blood work as well. They basically need to make sure we have viable sperm and eggs because, if there is an issue there, then this whole thing is all for not.
   We are still so excited and feeling so very blessed, and cannot wait for this all to come to fruition. I have to say though, we are really enjoying this waiting time as well. It’s definitely frustrating that it takes so long between appointments but it is really helping us to keep everything in perspective.
   Ryan and I are very good at seeing the bigger picture for most things in life and this, of course, is no different. Currently, we are getting to enjoy watching our friends and families build their own families. Because of our situation and, perhaps, unique awareness, I think we are appreciating more than we might otherwise, both what they are going through and what we won’t have to.
   We understand that our situation is going to bring all kinds of challenges that aren’t typical, like possibly not getting to go to ultra-sound appointments, not getting to feel the baby grow or see it growing every day, along with all kinds of emotional ups and downs that we cannot predict. But, we also know that we are going to be getting a very unique experience in this life that not many people have the opportunity to have. That is how I am looking at it now, by the way, as an opportunity and experience, rather than a forced situation. It has taken a much more positive perspective in my heart and mind than it ever has before. I was so down about it all before, and had a very “why me” attitude. I was very envious of all women who aren’t faced with this. But now I see it in a whole new way. Of course, I would still love to experience pregnancy, but this way I get to share that not only with my husband, but also another person and family as well. Not only is this going to affect Diane in a very unique and major way, but this will also affect her family. Her husband and children are going to have this as a part of their life story too, and, to me, that is beyond amazing!
   Ryan and I also talk about all the “down” sides to being pregnant that I won’t have to go through, like hormones out of whack, morning sickness, etc. Of course I’d be happy to take on all of it if I could, but not being able to, I am better able to see the positive spin on it, and I have to embrace that. Ryan, of course, is grateful he won't have to cater to my every whim...although I may get some 'sympathy' cravings hahaha....
   We are also doing this thing, which might seem crazy, but we are enjoying each other and our childless life. I work two jobs and have what can feel like very little 'free' time sometimes We are fully aware that when we do have a child, our life will be so different. But, since our road to parenthood is a much longer one than most, we are more appreciative of our child-free mornings, and structure-free lifestyle. We are enjoying our time together as a childless couple, and are more in love now than the day we married.
   Because we don’t have any results yet, we really don't have any idea as to what to expect next. Things can go smoothly, or there could be bumps in the road, or something could happen to make it all for not. We do our best not to think about what 'could' happen, and try to focus on the end result, which is becoming a family of 3 (or 4 if you want to count the dog).
   I believe it’s all in your own perspective, and I am grateful that I am now able to recognize and appreciate the positive sides to this experience. We both truly believe that things always have a way of working out as, and when they should, so we hold onto that and it helps us every day.
   The outpouring of love, support and contributions we received since the last blog posting have been beyond overwhelming. We cannot be more grateful, and we thank you!! Right now, we are not officially planning a social. We need the medical results first, a better time line, and a clearer cost outline before we begin any “real” plans. But, knowing that there are so many people out there who are willing to support us is, well, it just makes me cry tears of joy and appreciation. I truly do not have the right words for it besides love and gratitude.
   So, I hope all of you who have messaged me or someone in our family know that it has not gone unnoticed. It is appreciated to the ends of the earth. Ryan and I thank each and every one of you because without all of your love and encouragement, this road would be a lot more terrifying. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
   Until next time...

Our surrogate

  
   So what kind of woman offers to be a surrogate? I am sure that those of you who do not know us personally are wondering not only who this woman is to us, but to the world. Well, she is exactly the type of person I would ever want to be our surrogate… or anyone else’s.
   The story of how she came to be our surrogate is pretty amazing, even if I do say so myself, and often when I think of it all, I am still shocked that this is my reality, and all thanks to her. What do you say about someone who has given you everything you could have ever wanted in life? Truly, there are no adequate words to express my love and gratitude for her and what she has blessed me with.
   I suppose I should start at the beginning… If you have followed my blog, you will know that Ryan and I were set up by a mutual friend. Her name is Diane. At the time of the “set-up,” Diane and I didn’t really know each other very well. We were sort of friends, as I call it, but in reality we were more just acquaintances. We hadn’t ever hung out just the two of us, or talked on the phone, or done anything that female friends do, besides party together. After she set Ryan and me up, she and I instantly became friends. Maybe it was because the set-up was successful... I am sure that was part of it, but the night she set us up we were out together, just her, her husband, and myself, and we had a blast! I think that night was the clincher, whether Ryan and I worked out or not. We had more fun that I had had with anyone in a long time, and we had tons in common. She was just so down-to-earth... my kind of girl.
   Ryan and Diane had already been friends for many years, and our friendship blossomed after the set-up. We hung out a lot and became very close quite quickly. Over the next few years, our friendship strengthened, even though there was physical distance between us because her husband has a job that requires them to move a lot. We always kept in contact, whether it was through texts, emails, Facebook, skyping, or visits when she was in town, you name it.
   My favourite part about our friendship was that Diane and Ryan had a history, so she really knew us both and the three of us could hang out without it being strange, or needing a fourth person in the mix.
   Since Diane was the person who put Ryan and me together, we wanted her to be a part of our wedding. At the same time as we were trying to figure out who was going to be a part of it, and what role they would each play, we also were trying to decide who would officiate. Neither Ryan nor I are very religious at all, so a minister or pastor was not going to work for us. We wouldn’t have been comfortable with that. We knew that it was possible to get someone you know to be a commissioner for a day. Diane was the perfect choice! It seemed so fitting for her, the matchmaker, to “seal the deal.”
   She was in town over Christmas so we arranged a “date” to go out for dinner together. I will never forget that because all three of us ended up crying in the restaurant! We had sat down and begun to chat when it became quite awkward because she could tell we were working up to something, and we were so nervous about asking. Finally when we said, “Will you marry us?” we were all crying and laughing and it was a very special moment for me, as I am sure it was for Ryan and Diane as well.
   We thought it was all pretty cool that the woman who had set us up was also going to be the woman who would marry us! What kind of story that was! Well, it only got better! I am not sure at what point in time, whether it was before we got married or after, that everyone we knew had already heard about my not being able to have babies and us possibly using a surrogate… even though we weren’t “ready” yet. A bunch of people had actually offered, three of whom I believe were serious, with two of them being my sisters-in-law. I am so lucky to have so many people in this world willing to help me. Let the world know just how appreciative I am.
   However, both of my sisters-in-law weren’t done making their families. In fact, one of them hadn’t even started yet, and being that they are my family, I was nervous about the bonding issue and possibly putting the existing relationships at risk, so I didn’t want to take them up on their offers. I do believe that if I had, both of them would have done it, or made a valiant effort to try to, even while building their own families. I am beyond grateful for both of those women in my life, and happy to say that they are busy creating and building their own families, and in fact, they are both pregnant with their second child right now! Everyone is healthy and happy, and I feel close to both of them.
   There were some women who joked about carrying a baby for me but wanting the right to do certain things, or have me raise it in certain ways. Clearly, they didn’t understand what a gestational surrogate is (biologically mine and Ryan’s), so they would have no real genetic relationship... or they thought they were being funny... These people pissed me off, mostly because they were ignorant and I was still dealing with the emotion of it all and had no room for jokes about it. 
   Anyway, there was that third woman! One day, out of nowhere, I got an email from Diane and it basically said that if we wanted and were comfortable with it, she would be happy to be a surrogate for us. I nearly fell off of my chair! Now this was an offer that I didn’t know if I could refuse.
   Of course, Ryan and I talked a lot about it and we weren’t ready to begin that process at any rate, so we didn’t agree to anything right then. In fact, I don’t really remember how or when it came to be that we did agree with her verbally, but from that moment on I remember feeling very comfortable with her in that very important role.
   To be a surrogate you have to have had at least one healthy pregnancy and birth of your own. Diane has two kids of her own. She is adamant that she is done her own family and that she wants very badly to do this for us. We have had many, many, many discussions and are all on the same page as to how things will go.
   This woman, with whom I partied with many years ago, has now turned out to not only have set me up with the man of my dreams, but she also married us, and is now going forward with trying to be a surrogate for us. I don’t have the words to express my love and gratitude, and I have no idea how I can ever repay her for what she has done and is doing for me. She is single-handedly making my dreams come true.
   Diane is a most incredible woman, even outside of what she has done for Ryan and me, but when I asked her if I could write a blog post about her, she responded that she didn’t need a medal but said I could write whatever I wanted (or else this post wouldn’t exist). She doesn’t want the recognition. She isn’t doing this to receive thanks or a reward. She is doing this because she loves us, she thinks we deserve a child, and she is able to give it. She is doing it because of who she is, and I have told her many, many, many times that she is more than able to back out if she changes her mind, or if something in her own personal life changes and presents an issue. She is on board 150 percent. Even now, though, if she were to change her mind, or circumstances arise to where it doesn’t work out, I will always, always, always remember the hope and joy that she has made me feel.
   I was in a place for a very long time where I didn’t believe in the best of people anymore. I was beginning to become very cynical and angry. Over the past year and a half, since Ryan and I got married and we have begun to pursue this surrogacy thing in a real way, Diane and her offer, the things she says and has done, and the way she has become a part of our little family has restored my faith in humanity. There really are GOOD people out there.
   I understand that I haven’t even touched on who she is as a parent to her two amazing kids or as a volunteer in her community, or in all of the other roles she has in this world and does so well in, but if you understand all of who she is just to us, that is who she is to the world.
   Diane completes our love story.

Our decision!

   Hello again. I know it’s been a long time. To be honest, I wasn’t sure I’d make it back here at all. Having my “family” situation laid out for everyone to know about has been both a blessing and extremely intimidating. People that I barely know were reading all about my personal life and, although I was the one putting it out there, I didn’t fully appreciate the effects of making it public until it was already done.

   But don’t get me wrong… everyone that has chosen to follow along with us on this journey has been nothing but supportive. It’s just that when things in your own world are going a mile a minute, crashing down, or even going wonderfully, and everyone knows all about it so they are asking about all the time, well, it can be difficult to know who to listen to, who’s advice to take and who’s to ignore, who is sincerely with you because they love you, and who is just wanting a good story. I truly believe most people are sincerely rooting for us, which is why I am starting this up again, but sometimes it can become overwhelming.

   As I explained in some of my earliest postings, I believe everything happens for a reason. I also believe that being open and willing to talk about the things that most people can’t talk about will help create understanding and make things less taboo. Most people that I have talked to since all of this “baby stuff” started happening have either experienced a miscarriage themselves, or know someone who has. If not a miscarriage, they, or someone they know, is having trouble conceiving, has used or might have to use IVF. And most don’t talk about it or understand it.

   Some people have expressed a mistrust or disbelief in assisted reproduction and have said that they would just adopt, or not have children at all instead of going that road. I get it. I totally understand. I also understand not talking about it… which is exactly what I have done for the past six months.

   I understand being confused, depressed, in shock, and I understand feelings of “why me.” I understand not wanting to pursue something that seems so unnatural, and being totally afraid of both what will happen, and what won’t. I have not had a miscarriage, so I don’t fully get that kind of loss. But I have lost, on more than one occasion, the possibility of what could be and what is a very similar loss.

   It is time that we, both as women and as families came together to rally around each other. It should not be taboo to discuss your dreams, your fears, your sadness, your losses. I say as families, not just as women because miscarriage, infertility, and inability to carry/bear your own children don’t just affect us. They affect our husbands, our parents, and our siblings. As much as this has all been MY problem, MY situation, MY decision even, it has totally changed Ryan’s life. It has affected both sets of parents, our siblings and their families, and how they react to us and how they support us.

   Ryan and I have taken it all one day at a time, and have left everyone, including our families, out of the loop from time to time. Sometimes we’ve needed to just let it sink in, or pretend it doesn’t exist. For us to really deal with it on our own, it has meant shutting a lot of the world out so we could just be… so we could really figure out what we want and how we are going to deal with it. That had to be hard for our families and friends who really wanted to help us and support us but didn’t know what was going on or how we felt.

   I know it’s been harder on me than Ryan, but that doesn’t mean it hasn’t affected him, because it has. He is very good at putting other people’s needs and wants (especially mine) in front of his own, and I appreciate that so very much. But he still has needed to deal with it. He had very clear ideas about what he wanted… but being the amazing man he is, he never pressured me one way or the other. He made it clear that he wanted us to take a certain road but because it is MY body that would go through it that it ultimately was MY decision. Of course, and he doesn’t really understand the way a women desires to carry a child.
 
   What if I decided the opposite of what he wanted? What if it meant deadly consequences for me? For our baby? He has been willing to accept and face any of the potential realities… and that cannot be easy for him. 

   So, where are we now, you all wonder. Well, it has obviously been tough these last several months, but we have made our decision and are going ahead with it. We are going to stick to our plan to have a baby via a gestational carrier… surrogacy. My “heart” told me to try out pregnancy, that I’d probably be fine, and that I could just go ahead and do it, but my head told me the risks are not worth it.
    I did a lot of research on women with my condition and other heart conditions and their successful pregnancy rates. A lot of women were successful with no issues, a lot of them experienced heart failure either during or after the pregnancy, and for a lot of those women the heart failure corrected itself with time… but for some it did not. Their health deteriorated.

   One woman that I heard about, and I am sure there are many more, was told by her cardiologist as I was not to get pregnant. She decided to do it anyway and ended up having a really healthy and great pregnancy, and then died the day after giving birth due to heart complications. When I heard about her, my decision was solidified. I wonder if I could ask her spirit now, looking back and knowing what would happen, if it was all worth it, would she have chosen surrogacy instead. I am sure I know her answer because what good does it do to experience pregnancy and never get to know your child?

   For some, the risks are worth the chance to feel your own child growing inside of you. And believe me, I get that. I would so love that. But I want to be a mommy even more. I want to watch my baby grow, hear him or her laugh, and help them learn. I don’t want to miss a thing. And so, for Ryan and me, surrogacy is the best road to take. 

   Our surrogate was in town visiting when I made the decision. She had known that I might decide not to take her up on her offer. I waited to tell Ryan what I was thinking until she was over at our house, and then I told them together. It was a happy occasion! Ryan’s smile told me he was so relieved. The discussions began immediately as to the details of what was going to happen… all of our fears and questions. Together, we looked up all the infertility information we could, and we discussed how we felt about all kinds of things, like multiples, reduction, birth plans, even maternity photo shoots. (It can’t all be serious!)

   The next step was to get a referral to the only infertility clinic in all of Manitoba. Even though I am fertile (as far as we know), the situation is considered an infertility issue. The wait list is three to six months to get an appointment AFTER being referred, and they only see you if you’ve been referred. We got our appointment three months later. I was nervous when we went to the clinic. I wondered if they would refuse to see us because I had been told I “could” carry a baby, or that they wouldn’t support our decision to use a surrogate because it is still a fairly uncommon practice in Manitoba.

   Well, the doctor we saw loved us! I don’t think he sees very many people like us coming in very often. When we told him about our surrogacy plans, he was so excited! The impression I got was that most people he sees that are inquiring about surrogacy don’t have very valid medical reasons for doing so. He repeated over and over that we have very good reasons for choosing this route, and that it is, in fact, the smartest decision. That reassured me to no end! We talked for awhile and made a plan. It is going to be a long, expensive process. 

   As 'luck' would have it, my dear husband is currently laid off, Christmas is here, and times are tough, again. But we have some hope that our dreams might still come true with some patience and determination. We are now considering doing some fundraising to help offset the costs. I mean, most people just need to stop using birth control in order to become pregnant.

   Even using just IVF is expensive and with us going to use a surrogate there will be even more costs involved: lawyer’s fees, egg transfer fees, and many other “fees.” IVF is just a part of the process for us. At this point, if we can save, and possibly raise enough money, and all things go right (fingers crossed), we can be expecting a baby within the next one to two years!

   Isn’t that AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Time to take a break

   I have taken some time since the last posting to really think about our options, this blog, and where I want to go from here. There is much more to my story that, at some point, I think I would like to share. However, right now Ryan and I are about to celebrate our first wedding anniversary, we are enjoying our little home and the life we have created.
   We have gathered all of the information we need, talked everything over with all of our immediate family members and closest friends. Our surrogate even came to town for a visit so we spent a day with her, enjoying her, loving her, thanking her, and talking things over with her. We really are so lucky to have a woman like her in our lives because without her offer, I am not sure where we would turn.
   We have not yet decided what we are going to do, and we have some time to think about it because a few steps need to be taken before we can make a decision anyway. But she has repeatedly reassured us that she is here for us, no matter what, and no matter when. I feel like I can breathe. I feel like the pressure is off to make a decision… to get the ball rolling. We will do that when the time is right, but it’s out of our control at this moment in time, and I kind of like it that way.
   Through this entire experience, I have learned so much, grown so much, and fallen even more and more in love with my husband, my family, his family, and some friends. The support and understanding they have shown, especially after each blog posting, has been unreal and indescribable. I am grateful for all of the love and support. It’s been really interesting seeing how people come out of the woodwork to show support.
   I have appreciated every moment, and will continue to. And to those of you who have been supportive, who have written me messages or posts, who have asked about new updates and wanted to discuss the situation with me, THANK YOU!! Thank you for being open, thank you for being there for us, and being supportive. Thank you for not treating me like a baby-plague—some people have—and I sooo appreciate those of you who have not even blinked an eye and have just held us up.
   I think the time has come for me to give this blog a break… at least for now. Things will pick up with us again in the fall, and perhaps then I will write some more, but for now, I am going to enjoy my summer, my family and friends, and I am not going to worry or stress about anything baby. Everything is going to work out! I have 100 percent faith that it will.
   When the time comes, we will re-evaluate how public we want it all to be. This blog has done more for me than I had hoped it could/would, and I am very proud of myself for doing it. Now it is time to be more private for a while and go back to a regular life.
   Thank you for coming on this journey with us!!!