What could go wrong?

   For the most part, when couples get married, they are filled with hope and excitement for their future. There is so much joy and love surrounding them, that even though they know life will not be perfect, it is hard to imagine what could possibly go wrong.  Ryan and I were no different. We already knew we would be facing the challenge of becoming parents through gestational surrogacy, which was going to be a monumental task in and of itself. But, being naive and hopeful for our future, we couldn’t imagine what else we would have to face, especially only 2½ years in.
    I know that everyone reading this update is expecting good news, waiting to hear that we are pregnant,  that all of our hard work has paid off, and our dream is coming true. Unfortunately, there will be no pregnancy announcement today. In fact, it is with the heaviest of hearts that I write this post.
   We were successful enough at our fundraiser that immediately after we were able to begin our egg retrieval protocol. This included hormone injections, early morning visits to the clinic for blood work and ultrasounds, bloating, random outburst of tears, and ice-cream. Ryan became my nurse and ‘stabbed’ me every night for 11 nights with the injections, some nights there were 2. As you may or may not know, I am a huge wimp, which is why Ryan gave me the needles instead of me doing it myself, but he said I handled it like a champ! It was a huge bonding experience for us, as around night 8 or so, Ryan said something about how ‘you don’t truly love someone until you have to stab them with a needle’. We definitely became closer than ever before during this whole process. It was surreal laying on the couch night after night while my husband poked me with needles. There is truly no romance involved in making a baby this way.
    Then came the retrieval. It was quick and relatively painless , thanks to the drugs they gave me.  The Dr.  sent us home and went on to fertilize the eggs with Ryan’s sperm that afternoon. They had gotten 9 eggs from me, which was a great number. I had to call throughout the week to check on our embryos to find out how they were doing. On day one, 7 of the 9 had fertilized and looked great. I called Ryan while he was at work to tell him, and when he answered the phone he quickly said ‘how are my babies!?’ This hit me hard because it was real, we actually had potential babies growing at the clinic. When I got off the phone I cried and cried. I couldn’t believe how far we had come and that by the end of that week, we would have frozen embryos ready for transfer!
    I had to call again on day 3 to see how they were growing, and we were down to 6. I became a little nervous, but everyone reassured me that all we needed was one! The week went on, and Ryan and I decided it was time to celebrate where we were, and all that we had been through. We went on a very fancy date, which isn’t typical for us, and reveled in the magic that is science and technology, at our love, at the gift of surrogacy we were being given, and the generosity of our friends, family and even strangers who helped us get to that point. We had poured our hearts and souls into this, had been working at it for years, and it was all finally happening. It was a date I will never forget.
    Day 5 of fertilization is when any and all healthy embryos are ready to freeze. That day landed on the weekend, so we weren’t going to be calling until Monday to find out how many of the 6 embryos had survived to be frozen. I was anxious and excited. I missed a call in the morning from the clinic while I was at work, which was strange because I was supposed to be calling them. I didn’t think much of it and immediately called them on my lunch break. I was not prepared for what they were about to tell me.
    'Gina are you alone right now? Are you able to talk?’ Of course, I thought! Now tell me how many babies I have got! ‘Gina, we don’t have good news for you today. When we looked at your embryos on day 3, you had 6 that looked great. When we looked at them again on day 5, there had been no change since day 3. We let them grow until day 6, but still none of them had changed. So we don’t have any frozen embryos for you.....’. The nurse kept talking, saying things about how this must not be easy to hear and how I should call back in a few days with any questions once I have digested the information. All I could muster up was an ‘ok’. And that was the end of that. We had nothing, no embryos to transfer, no hope to take a pregnancy test, nothing. And after everything we had done, and been through.
    Calling Ryan to tell him was the hardest phone call I have ever had to make. We both went straight home from work to be together. We cried, we were angry, confused and heartbroken. How could this happen? We weren’t there for infertility issues. Everything had been going so perfectly. What went wrong!?   
    About a week later I worked up the courage to call the clinic, I didn’t know what questions to ask, but needed to know what they had to say. They didn’t have any answers, in fact said they were shocked and devastated too. The nurse recommended we meet with the Dr., because he might be able to shed a little light on to what happened. We made an appointment for a Sunday, a few weeks later.
The Sunday came and we went down to the clinic, feeling as devastated as ever. It had sunk in a little by then, but it hadn’t become any easier to accept. Because it was Sunday, there were only a few appointments, transfers for other couples.  Our appointment was last, so we sat there for what felt like forever. Finally it was our turn. The Dr.  was great. He was soft-spoken and really understood the magnitude of the conversation we were having. He told us that everything up until day 3 was perfect, nothing could have been any better. There is no explanation for what happened.
   He highly recommended that we try this again. He said that the first try could have just been ‘one of those things’, and since everything had been so good up until that point, that a second try could definitely work out. He went on to say that if we do try this again, and the same thing happens, then that will lead him to believe we actually are dealing with an infertility problem, on top of everything else, called ‘unexplained infertility’ which affects between 10%-20% of infertile couples. If this is the case, then at that point he would not recommend us moving further in this direction because it would be too difficult to figure out if it were due to my eggs, Ryan’s sperm, or both. If this were to happen again, he recommends we look towards adoption as our final option.
    We left the clinic not feeling any better, but not feeling worse. We really had no answers, and won’t unless and until we try this again.
    This whole experience has been completely overwhelming. Trying to become parents is an emotional journey for anyone. Even when you don’t have infertility problems, or health problems, it is still very exciting yet terrifying. Adding all of these other problems on top is indescribable. Unless you have been through it, there is no way for me to explain it so that anyone could truly understand.
   Ryan and I are so lucky we have each other. He has been my rock, and I think I have been his. Before, it all seemed like ‘my’ problem, and that as supportive as he was, Ryan was more along for the ride, accepting whatever happened to ME. Now, it is different. He has felt the loss too. We both are experiencing grief, the loss of a dream, the loss of something we worked incredibly hard for, and the loss of life, in our eyes. When Ryan referred to our embryos as his babies, in that moment, we felt we were parents to unborn children. Ryan also referred to it as having 6 miscarriages at once. We know it is not exactly the same, but the loss is. It is devastating, and heartbreaking.
   Ryan has been able to accept that this is our new reality much quicker than I, and for that I am grateful. Not only is going through this yourself unbearable, but watching someone you love go through it too is just awful. He has done a great job at making me laugh, and reminding me that we will be OK. We know this isn’t the end of the road and we will continue to try to become parents.  But, the door is definitely closing on us. 
    Ryan and I chose not to tell very many people about what happened right away in order to be able to deal with it. It hasn’t been very long, but we are now ready to let everyone know. This definitely isn’t an easy post to write, nor will it be easy to have everyone know what happened. But Ryan and I both agree that we have been open and honest up until this point. Just because we don't have happy, or good news, doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, and doesn’t mean we shouldn’t be open and honest about this part too. It is, in fact, now a part of our story.
    We don’t know exactly where we are going to go from here. Like I said earlier, we will continue to try to become parents, but when, or how is still unanswered. We will have to pay for another egg retrieval, with gestational carrier care as well as another round of hormones which is going to end up totaling more than another $10,000. We might begin to look into adoption, which is a whole new, emotional road to go down. Whatever we end up doing, we will not be having any more fundraisers.   
   We cannot thank everyone enough for the love and support throughout this entire journey. We are sorry that we don’t have better news to give everyone, but are grateful that we had the opportunity to try.
    I am also uncertain of the future of this blog. It has been such an incredible experience sharing this journey with everyone. At this point in time though, Ryan and I are just trying to make sense of our life, where we are and where we are going. We both need a little space from the social media world. We are going to focus on our future, our family and closest friends. We need to regroup.
    Again, we are incredibly sorry  that we are not able to share exciting news with everyone. We are grateful for the support and love we have received. With Christmas around the corner, we hope that the season brings love and joy to each and every one of you, and that perhaps, your dreams will come true. 
    Thank you again, to everyone.

The Fundraiser

   Where do I begin? It's been a week since we had the fundraiser and Ryan and I are still blown away!
   The week leading up to it was... busy, to put it mildly. We had a ton of last minute prizes being donated, tickets being sold, and things to do. The prize donations we received were quite unbelievable, both in quality and quantity. Our home is 'cozy' as Ryan puts it, so there wasn't any room to walk around or play with Winny, the dog. Every single day I looked around at everything and shed at least a few tears, some days more than others, both from gratitude as well as from a feeling of disbelief that people could be so generous just for us. We ended up with TWENTY regular prizes!!!! We had a lot of prizes for our wedding social, but not that many! There were FOUR grand prizes, and again, we didn't even have that many at our wedding social. Ryan made a bean bag toss game which was a huge hit. We ended up getting 3 sets of NHL tickets donated, so we had one for the bean bag toss, one set for a grand prize and ended up putting one into a 'mystery' box. I know the winner of that prize was even more excited when they opened it up and saw what it was. Honestly I wish I could write about all of the prizes we had because each one was really fabulous. But, it would take up my entire blog post.
   Our surrogate came into town for the fundraiser. She was here for a week and stayed with us. It was very nice getting to spend so much quality time with her. She was a great help in finalizing the prizes and wrapping them up, along with both my Mom and Ryan's Mom. We wouldn't have been able to get it all done without their help. We are so lucky, and so thankful.
   We set up a 'guest book' for anyone who came to the fundraiser to sign. Not everyone ended up signing it, but that's ok. Now we have something tangible that we can keep, and if we are successful in creating a baby, when they are big enough, we can give it to them to show them how many people helped 'create' them, how loved and wanted they were. Ahh, it makes me cry just thinking about it.
   The fertility clinic also lent us some information flip charts for people to peruse through. They detailed the steps involved in IVF, ICSI, and other processes people go through to make a baby when the natural way doesn't work out. I don't think people looked through them as much as we had hoped they would, but it felt great just knowing we had them there for people to learn from if they chose.
   The day before the fundraiser was one of the craziest, most exciting days ever. First thing in the morning our story came out in the local Free Press. It was well written and explained the situation clearly. It created such a buzz that we ended up getting a ton of online donations, people talking about, and sharing out story. By 5:15 we were in CBC News Radio giving an on-air interview about surrogacy and the fundraiser itself. We were so excited and shocked by the media attention that our nerves didn't have much time to kick in to full-blast. It was an incredible day.
   The fundraiser was a blast. We had a great turn-out with some people surprising us and others that we knew were coming. It was a total whirlwind since Ryan and I decided to 'work' the door and the bean bag toss. Ryan's Mom ended up helping me with the door because I was often caught chatting and hugging, and Ryan worked the bean bag toss the entire time. His legs are still sore from bending and picking up bean bags a billion times that night! My Mom was so busy catching up with friends and family that came, that she didn't even get to say hi to everyone that was there! I am still telling her about some people that were there that she didn't even see! The hugs, kind words and love that were shared that night will never be forgotten. I am still totally amazed by everyone that came and helped us with this dream, it will forever be one of my favourite nights in my whole life.
   I had expected myself to cry the night away, and not to be able to keep my emotions together, but I did! It wasn't until we were calling the prize winners that it began to hit me. I kept it together though while speaking and thanking everyone, but once the majority of people left, I bawled. It all seemed to hit me at once and I felt like I had been hit by a truck....I was exhausted mentally, emotionally and physically. I was overwhelmed, and finally it felt like I could let it out. It took about 3 days and a ton of tears for me to 'release' all of my pent up emotions. I think I just kept it all in until it was over, then I felt like I could let it all out. It felt great being able to cry, and to sleep. I hadn't had a good sleep in weeks, but that night I slept solid and it was amazing.
   It turns out that people are still wanting to help us, which is beyond amazing, so we extended the online fundraising page until the end of October. We aren't posting the link anymore because we don't want to be asking for more than we have already gotten, but since people have still been asking us how to donate, even days after the fundraiser, we decided to extend it just a little.
   We are simply blown away by the love, support, kindness and generosity from our friends, our family, our community and even complete strangers. We feel very loved and know that what we are doing, and how we have done it all, has been the right thing. 
   A lot of people have been asking how it went, and though I know they wanted all of these details, I know most people are really wondering if we reached our goal. The answer is that we did not reach the full monetary goal, but we did reach the main goal, which was to help offset the total costs. Of course we didn't expect to make the full amount anyway, so it wasn't upsetting or surprising. We did great and were both so very happy and grateful with the end result. We are so excited to say that we did make enough to be able to move forward!!!!!
    We promise to keep everyone as posted as possible on our progress..... on that note though, we are going to keep quiet for the next little while as to where exactly we are in this journey. The next steps are for me to take hormone injections at home to create follicles, which hopefully have eggs in them to be retrieved. Then for Ryan's sperm and my eggs to be fertilized, frozen, then transferred into our surrogate and hope for a positive, viable pregnancy! Due to the fragile emotional nature of these steps we have decided not to let everyone in during each step, but to announce a pregnancy at the 12-week mark, like all other couples!
   Again, thank you, everyone, to the stars and back for all of the love and support, for the donations and encouragement throughout all of this. Please know that every single hug, word of love, donation, kind gesture has all gone into making this dream possible, and we fully understand that without each and every one of you, it would not be happening. Our hearts are SO full of love and gratitude. Hopefully the next time you hear from me it is because we will be expecting a little peanut of our own!!!

One week left...

   In a week from today Ryan and I will be preparing for one of the biggest nights of our life. We will be finalizing any last minute changes or wrapping up last minute prizes. We will get ourselves all dressed up, and we will go down to see all of our hard work, our tears and dreams come together. We will come face to face with the friends, family and community members who are all out there rooting for us, praying for us, and supporting us in our dream to have a child. Our surrogate will be there, people we don't even know will be there. I know for a fact I am going to cry because I can barely keep it together as I write this, and I am only thinking about it. Wait until it's really happening!!
    It is so, so important to us to be successful with this fundraiser next weekend. The YouCaring online fundraising page will shut down and we hope we won't need to plan another social. If you are wanting to support us but have not already, you can buy a ticket from Ryan or I, or send a donation through the fundraising page. What we make next weekend will determine if we can proceed with this dream. All donations no matter how large or small help us and are appreciated to the utmost lengths.
   It's been such a wonderful and overwhelming experience getting to this point. But, I have to be completely honest, I don't think I have felt the gravity of it all until these past couple weeks. I have tried to write blog posts but have deleted them. I don't have the right words for what is going through my mind and my heart. I have spoken so much about gratitude, appreciation and love. But those words don't even cut it. There truly aren't words big enough or deep enough to fully capture this experience, or the moments when Ryan and I stop, look around our house at all of the donations we have received, or tell each other of something kind someone has said to us, and we just hug. There are so many moments that go without mention, not because they aren't worth mentioning, but because they are too big to describe, too raw to put into words, too wonderful to know how to share.
   5 years ago when I heard 'the news', I thought my life was basically over. I didn't know how I was going to go on, or how I would be able to live a happy, fulfilled life. I lost who I was and became so angry, so cynical, so sad. I never imagined I'd be here. I am now married to the man of my dreams, have the sweetest little home, and the most incredible support system. Everyone can get down on themselves and feel not good enough. Those thoughts crept into my mind more often than not for awhile, but now, after so much has happened, so much love has been created and shared, and so much support has been shown, those thoughts don't happen anymore. Because I decided to share our story with the support of Ryan and our surrogate, and your willingness to read it and share your thoughts of love and support, I realize so many things about myself, my life, and life in general that I had forgotten. I am so thankful to each and every one of you that has read this blog, that has sent supportive, kind messages, and to everyone who has decided to donate to us or share our story with others. And I am so thankful to Ryan and D. for being on board with my sharing this in such an open way. Although it has all been from my perspective, this is their life too. At any point, had either of them wished for me to not say something, I wouldn't have. But that never happened, they both allowed me to express myself the way I wanted and needed, and have loved and supported me through it all. I am so grateful.   
   My heart is full and I am so excited for next weekend. It really is very fitting that it ended up being on Thanksgiving weekend, because gratitude definitely seems to be the theme we've got going on here. We are so unbelievably thankful.


http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/surrogacy-fundraiser-help-us-build-our-family-/196898

It first needs to rain in order to see the rainbow.

   One month from today until the event that *hopefully* is the beginning of changing life as we know it for Ryan and I. My emotions are all over the place as I take it all in and remember every step along the way. It's so hard to believe how far we have come. None of this would be as amazing as it is now without first having gone through some of the hardest, saddest days of my life. I am amazed that Ryan still wanted to be with me, propose to me, and marry me after seeing how sad I could really be. Without his love, support, and devotion, I don't know how I would have gotten through those first months, and years even.
   This December will mark 5 years since I got the initial devastating news and he has been my rock every single day through it all. With him by my side, I was able to break the news to my family, and his family. Both of whom have supported us so incredibly much.
   Having our amazing and wonderful friend offer this gift to us even before we knew what we were doing or where we stood with it all has been more than a blessing. Knowing we had her offer, and her friendship throughout all of the good and bad days made the entire road just that much easier.
   I am so far beyond grateful for everything that has happened so that I can truly appreciate it, and to everyone for their undying love. I owe all of you that have been with us on this journey more than I can ever repay, or truly express.
   I am so anxious to see how it all unfolds. My fingers are crossed that this dream really does become a reality, but if, for some reason things don't work out, my gratitude will never diminish. I will always know how loved and supported Ryan and I have been, and that is priceless. <3

Completely Overwhelmed, in the Best Way Possible

  
   To say that I am overwhelmed is an understatement. To say that I am filled with joy and gratitude is also an understatement. Honestly, there are no words to truly describe the way I have been feeling these past couple of weeks.

   Things are moving right along and we couldn’t be more excited. I am so happy, proud, and thrilled to say that we officially don’t have any more appointments or steps to take between now and when we begin hormones for the egg extraction! We have made it through all of the rigmarole involved in surrogacy leading up to actually creating a baby!

   We had our last appointment a few weeks ago. We brought in our legal agreement and excitedly handed it over to the doctor for his approval. He looked it over and gave us the go ahead. We are not able to begin any actual steps in the egg retrieval (IVF) process until we have the legal agreement approved by the doctor at the clinic, so, of course, we were very happy when that was all done.

   That last appointment was exciting for other reasons too. We signed all of our contracts that are required by the clinic with our surrogate and her husband, and went over everything that is going to happen once we “begin” working on getting pregnant! It’s still so surreal to me that we are actually talking about getting pregnant. It’s not in the distant future, or something that we are going to one day do, it is really going to happen, and soon!

   I will need to take hormone treatments at home. We got a lesson in how to do that, which, if you aren’t aware, is injecting a needle into your belly every day for up to two weeks. I am lucky in that regard because some women need to do it for up to a month. But whatever levels they test, mine were sufficient to only need the hormones for two weeks. I am grateful for that as I hate needles, but really, in the big scheme of things, it’s very insignificant. Since I turn into a blubbering baby at the sight of a needle, there is absolutely no way I will be able to give them to myself so Ryan will be the lucky guy.

   At that same appointment, he had to give me a practice needle… I wasn’t sure how that was going to go but we both did great! Since our surrogate was there with us, I held her hand tight and squeezed my eyes shut while Ryan worked up the nerve to give me a poke. He was calm about it until the second before actually injecting me. With my eyes closed tight I was more attune to his voice, and just before he did it, I could hear his nerves giving him a challenge as he said, “I’ve never stabbed anyone before.”

   Haha!! Oh man… I just thought, Do it already! Then he did, and it was totally simple and quick and easy. The nurse let us know that when doing the real thing, he will be injecting something into me (the practice needle was empty) so it might hurt a little more and take a few seconds longer while he makes sure he empties the needle. I will bruise and have marks all over my belly… a small price to pay. They will make me crazy though, I hear, and that is what I am most nervous about. I pre-apologize to everyone for any outbursts or bitchiness I display. And that was it!

   When we left the appointment, the nurse said she will see me next when I am coming in for blood work and an ultrasound, when we start with the hormones! The hormones are ridiculously expensive and are not covered by insurance, so again, we really need, and are grateful for the fundraiser.
    And speaking of that, it has got me so overwhelmed. The past couple weeks have been significant as the weather has grown colder and school has begun. Everyone seems to be gearing up for fall, and therefore, thinking about Thanksgiving. The fundraiser is on Thanksgiving weekend so I guess we are also on people’s minds.

   We have received a lot of prize donations and sold some tickets, and a lot of people have been asking me what else we need, how things are going, and sending us all of their best wishes. Every single time someone says something to me about it, I am reminded that I have told the world about this hugely personal experience in my life. And every time, I am both a little embarrassed and also very proud of myself. I feel embarrassment because we need to have the fundraiser at all. I wish we were made of money and could just do it all without having to ask for help. Unfortunately, that is not the case and we do need the help. Remembering that brings me to feeling proud of myself for having the confidence to be able to share this journey, the ups and the downs with my family, friends, community, and the rest of the world. It is definitely not easy, but I have had the assurance from more than one person that this blog has helped them in their own life. That makes it more than worth it. It is also so incredibly humbling to know how many people are out there thinking of little old Ryan and I, and rooting for us to succeed. It’s a truly unique and blessed feeling, one that I just cannot describe.

   All of the people behind us, most of whom know either Ryan, myself, or both of us, but there are also others who don’t know us at all and are helping us out to try to create one child and that  is something I never really understood the gravity of until now as it all comes to fruition. This baby, if we are successful in making one, is going to be a true product of love and compassion.

   Although we are not making a baby the “old fashioned way” and that has been hard to deal with in and of itself, I am now realizing just how wonderful all of this really is. I have always believed in the goodness of humans and the power of people caring for people, and that is the kind of world I have wanted to live in. As things in life became more and more complicated the older I got, the less and less I believed that such a world could ever really exist. I am now a believer again. People do love people, and the world doesn’t have to be such a horrible place. Strangers have been beyond kind to us, to people they don’t know, for the sake of a baby that might not ever make it into this world. People from my childhood that I didn’t think knew I existed any more have gone out of their way to help us out. And those that I thought I had lost touch with, or thought perhaps our friendship was over, have stepped up and reminded me that it doesn’t matter how often we get together or if we do at all, this dream is still important to them too. It’s sometimes just more than I can take so I am so sorry if I respond to any of you in a nervous or awkward way.

   Sometimes I just can’t believe that this is my reality. And, of course, not to mention our family and friends, who have been close with us from the very beginning. The love and support is hugely appreciated and does not go unnoticed. I can never adequately express our gratitude. But Ryan and I truly, from the bottom of our hearts, thank each and every single one of you, those who read this, those who pray for us, those who have sent money or prize donations, bought tickets, and plan to come to the fundraiser… all of you! We are completely overwhelmed by all of it, because of all of you, in the best way possible.

Signed, Sealed, and almost delivered.

   This summer has been flying by. We have been so busy there hasn't been much time to really relax or take in all of what is going on. We have been so blessed with so much help, support, and love throughout this entire journey, and as it all comes to fruition, it is definitely overwhelming.
   Things are becoming real for Ryan and me now… really real! We have finalized our legal agreement. It went smoothly and quickly, which was great. It is signed and sealed; we just have to deliver it to the fertility clinic on our next appointment! That will be an exciting moment.We will need to see the lawyers again once a baby is on its way in order to decide whether we are going to “adopt” them or get a declaration of parentage. There are different pros and cons to each option, both financially and legally, so we have a lot of thinking to do regarding all of that. For now we are keeping our focus on the initial tasks ahead of us.
   The fundraiser is coming up quickly, less than two months to go! We will be collecting most of the donations in the next few weeks, and then we will begin to put the prizes together. I am nervous about ticket sales and people actually coming to it but I think this is probably a “normal” fear. It was the same way for our wedding social, but because of the nature of this fundraiser, my nerves are definitely acting up more. I am going to keep a positive attitude and hope for the best!
   I recently read an article describing surrogacy in Canada. It was just so perfect. It covered all the details that Intended Parents have to go through and the hoops that need to be jumped in order to become parents. It even said only 300-500 families have used a surrogate in Canada each year. That number shocked me. I knew it was low but I definitely thought it was higher than that. However, it really helped me to understand just how unique this situation is, and reminded me of how blessed we are to have a friend willing to do this, and family willing to support us.
   Yes, we are blessed, and yes we are grateful. Ryan and I are so happy, in love, and thankful for the life we have. We wouldn't change any of it because it is making us who we are, and we like who we are. With that being said, I still have days here and there where I am sensitive to different things. Like the other day, for example, someone was complaining about their pregnancy and how they just couldn't wait for it to be over. Or, when someone says to me that I am “so lucky” that I don't have to experience pregnancy. I am sure these people have no idea what their comments can do to someone going through infertility, or needing a surrogate. And I am sure they don’t intend to offend me, or anyone else. But, sometimes it does. It can hurt. It can be hard, and I don’t feel lucky in that respect. I do feel lucky that we have support and love from family and friends, and I feel extremely lucky that we have a friend willing to be our surrogate, of course, but I do not feel lucky that I have a heart condition that caused this to happen in the first place. I don't feel lucky that I won't ever know what it's like to have my own child growing inside of me. And I don't feel lucky that I have had to spend years dealing with the heartache, and tens of thousands of dollars in order to make our dream of becoming parents come true. I do understand that not all pregnancies are smooth and easy, nor can someone appreciate something every minute of every day, especially when it is wearing and tearing on their body. And for the most part, I am good at understanding that. But, there are days, when I am sensitive and these types of things can be difficult to hear or listen to. 
   I want to make this post a positive one because things are going great and we can't wait for the next few months to happen. I just feel the need to remind anyone who needs reminding that even though things are going well that it's not all daisies and roses all the time. There are still days when we are down, more me than Ryan, and there are still times when ignorant comments can get the best of me, as I am only human. These times are now few and far between, but in the beginning it was much harder. So, this reminding is not just regarding Ryan and me, but others going through infertility, trying to conceive, or experiencing any other troubles in creating a family. This can be an extremely emotionally charged topic and I hope that through reading my blog, the people who have an easy time with it remember that they are lucky, and to try to be sensitive to others. Sometimes they don’t want to talk about it, or it’s so new and fresh that they simply can’t talk about it.
   Anyway, I will finish this post off by letting you know that our next step in our surrogacy journey is to organize this fundraiser so that we can afford to do the retrieval, IVF and transfer! If all goes well, sometime in 2015 we will be announcing that we are pregnant! Ahhh!!!! My fingers and toes are crossed all the time!

The result of being public

   What does it feel like to have one of your most personal, emotional, and life-changing situations become public knowledge? What does it feel like to have people you barely know come up to you and talk to you about some things that most people keep completely private? What does it feel like to have your whole world be everybody’s business? Well, let me tell you!
   At first, it was extremely difficult. It was awkward. It was scary and nerve-wracking. Sometimes it was off-putting, and other times it was wonderful. There were times when I wasn’t totally sure that I had done the right thing by sharing our story. There were times when I wanted to hide under a rock and cry, and never come back out. But those times, for the most part, are over now.
   I know, reading this you must be wondering why, if it was so difficult, did I put it all out there? I know I have given reasons before, and they were all true, but now, with hindsight as this all slowly comes together, I know for a fact that it was the right thing, the best thing, and the most powerful thing to do.
   I am just a regular woman trying to figure life out like everyone else, but I have a unique and moving story to tell. I have had experiences that not a lot of people get in life, and I think it would be foolish and selfish if I kept it all to myself. Life is not about experiencing things, learning, and then forgetting all about them. Life is about experiencing things, learning from them, and becoming better because of them.
   For me, sharing my life, or parts of it at least, has helped me become better. This situation has helped me not only to really learn who my true friends are, but it has also restored my faith in humanity, something that was leaving me much too early for my liking. It has helped put things into a perspective that I wasn’t otherwise able to see, and it has helped me express myself to family and friends in a way that I wasn’t fully able to do just by talking. Some things are hard to say. Some reactions are hard to receive.
   Having written all this out for my family and friends to read at their own leisure has saved both them and me many hard conversations, but also created many conversations that might not have happened if I hadn’t been open.
   Had I just kept everything private, I would have suffered alone much more than I did. Ryan would have suffered alone, while watching me break down and not knowing how to pick me back up or where to turn. But because I had this place to come to, to let it all out, to be able to tell everyone what was going on… when I was ready… and how I wanted them to hear it, was such a relief for me. It saved Ryan having to tell people, and it saved our families from having to really talk about the toughest parts, unless or until they were ready. I opened up enough to be vulnerable, which was very difficult and scary to do, and really let people see ME. But I only opened up as I was ready to do so.
   I have gathered a network of women who are going through infertility and really understand the heartache and grief that comes with such a situation. And I have gathered a group of people (much larger than I ever anticipated) who support Ryan and me and are giving us their undying love. Without making the decision to be open and vulnerable, I would never have known these people, nor would any of them know the suffering we went through, or that we were suffering at all. And of course, I might never know their suffering or loss. We are helping each other.
   And, without the willingness to be open, we might never have the support needed for the situation, and the fundraising that we must do. I know I say it all the time, but the love, support and generosity of everyone is completely overwhelming and just so amazing. Ryan and I are so unbelievably grateful.
   I hope that by sharing my story, I am able to help other women and couples who are struggling through infertility, and give them the confidence and strength to share their stories and to know they are not alone.
   Although our needing a surrogate does not ultimately stem from an infertility issue and it took a very long time for me to allow myself to relate to that, it really is very similar. The grief and loss that is felt is the same, the worry and fear that this might never happen for us is the same, and the loneliness of not having anyone who understands is very much the same. I am not infertile, but I am grieving infertility. I am not trying to get pregnant, but am trying to make a baby. I want to give my husband a child, and I want to be a mom. It is all the same, and I am so sorry for anyone and everyone who has, is, or will go through these same emotions.
   I know we aren’t yet pregnant, and that things might still go wrong. But with the power of positive thinking, a lot of faith, and some proactive behaviour, I do believe all things are possible. The sadness can come to an end, and happiness is achievable. I feel it already. I am happy. I am not sad anymore, and I do not feel sorry for myself anymore.
   Through all darkness comes a light, and I can see it already. I feel it. I am hopeful, grateful, and excited. To all of you reading this, I offer a most sincere thank-you for allowing me into your life, and for coming into mine. Without this place, I may not be where I am today, and that just means the world to me.