What does it feel like to have one of your most personal, emotional, and life-changing situations become public knowledge? What does it feel like to have people you barely know come up to you and talk to you about some things that most people keep completely private? What does it feel like to have your whole world be everybody’s business? Well, let me tell you!
At first, it was extremely difficult. It was awkward. It was scary and
nerve-wracking. Sometimes it was off-putting, and other times it was wonderful.
There were times when I wasn’t totally sure that I had done the right thing by
sharing our story. There were times when I wanted to hide under a rock and cry,
and never come back out. But those times, for the most part, are over now.
I know, reading this you must be wondering why, if it was so difficult, did
I put it all out there? I know I have given reasons before, and they were all
true, but now, with hindsight as this all slowly comes together, I know for a
fact that it was the right thing, the best thing, and the most powerful thing
I am just a regular woman trying to figure life out like everyone else, but
I have a unique and moving story to tell. I have had experiences that not a lot
of people get in life, and I think it would be foolish and selfish if I kept it
all to myself. Life is not about experiencing things, learning, and then
forgetting all about them. Life is about experiencing things, learning from
them, and becoming better because of them.
For me, sharing my life, or parts of it at least, has helped me become
better. This situation has helped me not only to really learn who my true
friends are, but it has also restored my faith in humanity, something that was
leaving me much too early for my liking. It has helped put things into a
perspective that I wasn’t otherwise able to see, and it has helped me express
myself to family and friends in a way that I wasn’t fully able to do just by
talking. Some things are hard to say. Some reactions are hard to receive.
Having written all this out for my family and friends to read at their own
leisure has saved both them and me many hard conversations, but also created
many conversations that might not have happened if I hadn’t been open.
Had I just kept everything private, I would have suffered alone much more
than I did. Ryan would have suffered alone, while watching me break down and
not knowing how to pick me back up or where to turn. But because I had this
place to come to, to let it all out, to be able to tell everyone what was going
on… when I was ready… and how I wanted them to hear it, was such a relief for
me. It saved Ryan having to tell people, and it saved our families from having
to really talk about the toughest parts, unless or until they were ready. I
opened up enough to be vulnerable, which was very difficult and scary to do,
and really let people see ME. But I only opened up as I was ready to do so.
I have gathered a network of women who are going through infertility and
really understand the heartache and grief that comes with such a situation. And
I have gathered a group of people (much larger than I ever anticipated) who
support Ryan and me and are giving us their undying love. Without making the
decision to be open and vulnerable, I would never have known these people,
nor would any of them know the suffering we went through, or that we were
suffering at all. And of course, I might never know their suffering or loss. We
are helping each other.
And, without the willingness to be open, we might never have the support
needed for the situation, and the fundraising that we must do. I know I say it
all the time, but the love, support and generosity of everyone is completely
overwhelming and just so amazing. Ryan and I are so unbelievably
I hope that by sharing my story, I am able to help other women and couples
who are struggling through infertility, and give them the confidence and
strength to share their stories and to know they are not alone.
Although our needing a surrogate does not ultimately stem from an
infertility issue and it took a very long time for me to allow myself to relate
to that, it really is very similar. The grief and loss that is felt is the
same, the worry and fear that this might never happen for us is the same, and
the loneliness of not having anyone who understands is very much the same. I am
not infertile, but I am grieving infertility. I am not trying to get pregnant,
but am trying to make a baby. I want to give my husband a child, and I want to
be a mom. It is all the same, and I am so sorry for anyone and everyone who
has, is, or will go through these same emotions.
I know we aren’t yet pregnant, and that things might still go wrong. But
with the power of positive thinking, a lot of faith, and some proactive
behaviour, I do believe all things are possible. The sadness can come to an
end, and happiness is achievable. I feel it already. I am happy. I am not sad
anymore, and I do not feel sorry for myself anymore.
Through all darkness comes a light, and I can see it already. I feel it. I
am hopeful, grateful, and excited. To all of you reading this, I offer a most
sincere thank-you for allowing me into your life, and for coming into mine.
Without this place, I may not be where I am today, and that just means the
world to me.